What To Do If You Feel Like You’re Not Relationship Worthy
I was speaking to a friend the other day and she was talking about how she didn’t feel like she was worthy to be in a relationship.
There were several reasons for this -
- She didn’t know if her mental health was at a good enough spot to be in a relationship (she’s been through her fair share of trauma) and didn’t want to commit to someone, only to disappoint them.
She asked me, what should I do to feel like I’m relationship worthy?
- Realize mental health will go up and down throughout life, even in a relationship.
Realize, there’s never a point at which your mental health will be perfect.
Yes, you can create system to make sure the highs and lows stay in a medium (through therapy, exercise, journaling, etc). I think that’s what we’re all doing constantly as we live.
If you feel like you could improve majorly on that system for your own self, then yes, work on improving on the system.
However, if you’ve got decent system in place, and you’re just having normal ups and downs of mental health, then realize you are okay. I think here this would just be a case of being afraid of risk — understand risk is always there for anyone you get into a long term relationship with. You will have to give them your trust and emotionally connect with them for it to be a successful long term relationship.
The above statement being said, having the self-awareness to know whether you are willing to accept love and give love is important.
As she says, she doesn’t want to waste someone’s time going on dates, only to say to them several dates in, she’s not ready to give love because she needs to work on herself.
For me, if you know right now, you need to work on some stuff to be fully able to accept and give love, I think then work on yourself.
Also note, past traumas — they’ll always be there. So, those feelings from previous relationships, will always come up whenever you get into a serious relationship. What you’ve been through is probably something you’re going to have to communicate about to any person you end up being in a serious relationship with.
2. When you say your mental health is not great, is that an objective or subjective evaluaton?
As people, we’re often the biggest critics of ourselves.
You saying mental health is not good — is that an excuse because you’re afraid to trust someone and allow them to emotionally connect with you or is your mental health not actually good?
Sometimes, our insecurity of letting someone into our life and trusting them can cause us to create excuses that our mental health is not great when in fact maybe the reality is you may just be hung up on the past (i.e. you were in a long term relationship previously, and you’re still hurt by how that ended and are afraid to give yourself to someone again).
Remember, thoughts are not reality. Michael Phelps might’ve internally thought he wasn’t a good swimmer or wasn’t doing enough, but the reality was he was a great swimmer. Try to decipher if it’s an insecure thought or if it’s reality.
Also, think about where that insecurity is coming from. Did someone put that in your head that you’re not unlovable? A previous relationship that ended poorly? Seeing your parents get divorced? Things like that can also create insecurity about finding true love.
3. Have you tried or are you going to therapy?
For all these feelings, it may help to talk to a 3rd person professional who can allow you to talk out exactly what’s going on in your brain and your thoughts.
If you feel like you have trauma from the past, a therapist may also be able to work with you to help decrease the effects of that trauma as you move forward in life.
4. What’s your relationship with yourself?
I’m not denying your feelings, but having these feelings to me, may also be a sign you don’t have the best relationship with yourself.
I think working on loving yourself, supporting yourself, understanding your doing your best, and realizing you’ll never become a “perfect” human, are all reminders you may need to tell yourself.
Self-compassion is incredibly important skill for life.