The person I’m dating says they’re not over their ex, what should I do?

The other day I was catching up with a friend and she said: I’ve been casually dating someone for 3 months. We’ve never put any labels like exclusivity on anything up to this point but now, I’m getting to the point where I’m developing an emotional connection.

I asked him if he would want to more seriously date. He says he’s been having a great time with me but is not ready to seriously date. He says he’s still not over his ex. They dated for a couple years so I get that it still weighs on him. For context, it’s been 6 months since they broke up.

He’s openly told me — do whatever you need to do. Cut me off if you need to or if you want to continue to casually see other, we can as well.

He says he is trying to figure things out, and should things get better mentally, he’d be down to try and be in a serious relationship. He’s just open about not being sure if that’ll actually happen anytime soon.

I’m not sure what to do. How should I handle this?

Obviously, this is a tough situation. The first thing I would do is get more clarity on the healing process after their breakup.

a) Did they take time to feel hurt and take a breather from dating? Or did they kinda rush into dating pretty soon afterwards?

I think a lot of people make the mistake of dating too soon after a breakup, when they haven’t healed.

And so, a lot of their romantic/sexual interactions happen out of missing their ex, hence the term “the rebound”; instead of being in a healthy mindset, healed from their last relationship and ready for someone else to come into their life.

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This is a tangent but to anyone whose recently gotten into a break up, until you’re at this healthy point, please don’t date someone. I know it sucks.

I know taking a breather and being alone, especially after being in a relationship, sucks. But you have to go through the suck, to get better and be ready.

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Just off the little facts I know, hearing that they broke up with their ex 6 months and you guys have been seeing other for 3 months, means he only took 3 months to himself and then started getting back on the dating apps? For a relationship he was in for a couple years for, not sure if that’s the healthiest behavior.

So, if you felt they rushed into it upon hearing the story, I would recommend you to advise them to really just take time away from dating to work on them self and heal.

If he’s not ready for someone to come in and for the emotional commitment, continuing to casually date people isn’t gonna get him to some healthy mind frame. He needs time away to heal and be strong himself, and then come back, ready to add someone else.

If after you communicate this, he still continues to casually date, then I think you need to move on. It’s clear you have an emotional attachment and casually dating him, while it may be heart warming for now, is only gonna hurt you even more when you eventually have to cut it off.

If after you communicate this, he’s open to trying that, I think that’s a good sign because he values you and sees that their is long-term potential in you. Again though, I’d have limited communication and seeing him in-person. This time period of healing really needs to be about him with him, and not bringing in any other people.

It still puts you in a tough position because there’s no time table of how much time it’ll take/when he may heal and be ready.

What I’d say here is no one knows the right answers.

Maybe you wait and he does heal, and you guys do end up starting a relationship. Or maybe you wait and they heal, and he never texts you back. No one knows what’s going to happen so no one knows the right decision in terms of how history will remember. You just have to make the best decision for you at the time.

Obviously, if you think he could be someone you marry, then I think you could wait. But I would put a time limit on it internally — like wait 4 or 6 months and check back in with him.

Based on your emotional commitment level to him, I don’t think it would be healthy to dating other people. And you don’t want to be in a position where you’re dating someone else, and he texts you back that he’s ready to try a relationship.

At the same time, you don’t want to waste 6 months waiting only to find out he already started dating someone new 3 months into you waiting. So, it’s a tough predicament.

I would just say, in general, don’t have a ton of expectation though no matter what you decide.

I think almost assume that they’ll be no contact so you’re not emotionally too invested in the positive outcome.

b) If you don’t think they rushed into dating (i.e. they took some time before they started dating), I would ask them, what is it about their ex that’s holding them back?

Do they miss the person and want to get back together, have they not emotionally healed from an incident (like cheating), or is it just the emotions of possibly serious dating are bringing up their ex?

I think reflecting on this is critical.

If it’s the first point, then I think you should move on. Any thought of wanting to get back together with their ex for me is something to stay away from. I personally would only date people who really aren’t worried about whether they’ll ever get back together with their ex (i.e. they’re indifferent or against it).

If it’s the second point, I think again, that’s one where you don’t necessarily need to move on because I don’t they miss the person, they’re just trying to heal their self esteem and make sure they’re not doing things out of just wanting to be loved, and they actually doing things because they love you, which I really respect because they’re not trying to deceive you and act like they’re ready to love someone.

If it’s the last point — after a serious relationship, the next time those feelings come up, the ex might be brought up since that was the last reference point, but that’s normal. In this case, I think you can say you’ll work with him and you understand there’s trauma and triggers as you know will come up as you seriously date.

c) Final Reflection

I know, the not over my ex, has a negative connotation, because people are like why is this person out here in the dating world? And I get that, but I’m not gonna judge. Maybe he thought he was ready but realized it through my friend that he isn’t.

I do respect that he’s not trying to string you along into a serious relationship, that he understands where his mental is.

I think the main thing I guess is just communicating that you think he needs to stop all the dating apps and dating, and heal; then see if he takes you up on that offer or rejects it.

If he rejects it, move on. If he takes you up, wait for some time period, and then move on if by that time period, he’s not ready.