Should you forgive people who have caused you mental or physical trauma?

The other day, a friend and I were having a conversation and he talked to me about how his father would regularly slap him and his siblings (when they were kids) if they didn’t follow his instructions.

Now older, he’s been reflecting on the trauma it’s caused him and his siblings. They really hadn’t acknowledged or addressed it until they grew older and learned more about mental health and trauma.

He asked me if I thought it was okay if he and his siblings were mad at their father for his behavior or should they forgive him?

Before saying anything myself, I followed up, by asking, do you know if your father was slapped when he was growing up?

He laughed, and said, yeah of course, that was the culture, his father and his father’s siblings were slapped from a young age if they got in trouble or didn’t follow directions of elders and even in school, teachers would punish students using rulers. That was the norm back in his father’s country at the time of his father’s childhood.

As hard as it is to be empathetic and by saying be empathetic, I’m in no way condoning his father’s actions towards him and his siblings, it’s important to remember certain behavior is learned and programmed. When you know no other way or have been brought up in a certain way, that is normal to you.

Unless taught otherwise, people continue with the actions they’ve been learned over the years and they often repeat those.

In answering his question, my opinion was what you and your siblings’ opinion is of your father and the manner in which he raised his children — you have to form that on your own. I can’t say that.

That’s your individual relationships with your father. Have perspective on the way your father grew up, have perspective on whether anyone ever challenged your father on a different way of teaching kids, but also think about did someone ever challenge your father to not do engage in that behavior?

If you feel like he had the chance to learn that wasn’t the best way to raise a child, then you have every right to be mad at him. If you feel like you know in hindsight realize, he really wasn’t taught any other way, then maybe you can forgive him.

I think, additionally, there’s no harm in having a conversation and meeting with the primary source himself.

Ask him now, papa, why did you raise kids this way? Tell them why you’re mad or what upset you about their behavior.

If your father listens and has no regrets, I think it’s fair to be mad at him. If he listens and has a lot of regrets and apologizes, I think it’s worth giving them grace and forgiveness.