March 24, 2022 marked 3 years since one of my friends, Pat, died by suicide.
Processing his passing has been an interesting journey.
As I recount this journey, please note, I am speaking for myself and not for people as a whole.
Year 1:
Year 1 for me was chaos — there was so much emotions going on.
1) Grieving.
The loss of someone you’ve been good friends with and missing their presence in your life is obviously devastating.
I think the hardest part is just trying to grapple with the fact that you’ll never see them again alive.
2) The #2 emotion is guilt.
To know someone came into your life, had deep conversations with you, had a friendship with you, and in some ways (this was the way I thought of it in year 1) couldn’t see the light of life is tough to swallow.
As a friend, you naturally feel guilty in terms of not being as a good of a friend as you could’ve been. You go back and evaluate the friendship and what you could’ve done better to help support them.
I can still remember going to Pat’s wake and apologizing to his mother Christine for not being a better friend, that’s how ingrained guilt was with me.
3) His death was a reflection point on whether you were checking in on people
I remember after Pat’s death meeting about 3 different people who I normally would not have met up with to talk about Pat and how we were doing.
His death made you reflect on your own care for your friendships and how much you were checking in on people.
It’s tough as you become an adult and you have more responsibility and less time for people outside of your best friends, but it was definitely a good reflection point.
That year I reached out to more friends to check in on them than I probably would’ve have.
4) Recounting why he did it
I think this is one thing in Year 1 that’s impossible not to talk about. As friends, you go over all the variables that were going on and you rehash all the signs that might’ve predicted he was struggling at that level.
Year 2:
1) I think year 2 has most of the year 1 emotions — sadness, guilt and mourning.
I think your relationship with guilt gets better, but I think it’s still there.
For me, as someone whose dealt with mental health issues, my #1 regret was not having those conversations with Pat about mental health.
Sometimes, having a friend whose gone through similar struggles, can be really helpful for support. I’m not in the LGBTQ community, but I would think it would be similar in that sense of — having a friend in the community as you’re coming out can be a real help.
If there’s a learning lesson, I would encourage you — if there’s some adversity you’ve been through and know others may be going through a some adversity, I would encourage you to talk about it. Whether it’s divorce, LGBTQ, being an only child, whatever, it’s crazy how much 1 person’s support can help.
The second major thing I dealt with regards to guilt is that weekend my senior year roommates and I were doing a reunion in Boston. We were at a hotel 20 minutes away from BC. We invited some friends who were still at BC to come hang out with us, but we didn’t invite Pat.
That still eats at me, if he just could’ve been in community with us and felt our love maybe things could’ve ended up different.
2) I think Year 2 is where you really see grief hits everyone differently.
One of my friends visited Pat’s grave site multiple times.
I, myself, haven’t been able to once. I just don’t want to go there because I don’t know how my emotions will be.
I don’t know what that says about me (maybe I just don’t want to accept Pat’s death). Regardless, it shows you we all grieve in different ways.
3) The bitter sweetness of talking about him is also big.
I remember one of my friends recounting a story where Pat did something funny (not making fun of him, but just laughing how Pat went about it). There were a couple of us in the room. Before he went into the story, my friend said, God rest his soul. But even after the story was told, it was just awkward for a second.
Can you still laugh at someone’s funny stories while they’re dead?
Every time I recall a joyful moment, it’s tough because you also think of the tragic way in which he passed. I’m still looking to create a better relationship with this because I want to just talk about the fun memories and stay happy without the sadness of knowing he’s no longer with us
I think doing a separate Celebration of Life is good for this. For my friend Trevor who also died by suicide, there was a Celebration of Life and that was nice, because even though it was emotional, we tried to focus on the good memories with Trevor.
Year 3:
1) I think the acceptance of the reality of what’s happened is really evident in year 3.
There’s a lot more word choice “when Pat died, when Pat passed away”, whereas the language in the years prior had been talking about the times he was still alive.
2) I think you realize the pain will always be there
Though acceptance has come, I don’t the pain eases. The pain of him not being here still hurts 3 years later.
3) I think this is maybe the first year more people start looking at the system of society and how we can improve it
People start going from grief and mourning mode to, let’s pull up our sleeves and see what we can do to better the situation — in this case of attacking the mental health stigma and talking more about suicide.
Many people start this process in Year 2. For example, the family started the Blue Jean Mile fundraiser in honor of Pat and to raise money to send to a mental health organization.
4) Recognizing his illness as different than him
I think this was finally the year I recognized separating his illness from him.
Pat’s mom made a great point –Pat had made 2 doctors appointments for the upcoming week 2 days before he passed. This story showed Pat wanted to live. Pat loved life.
5) Realizing Pat wouldn’t want us to be sad.
Pat was going through so much pain, but it was his illness that took him.
Pat was a joyful human. Pat wouldn’t want us to be sad. This is hard thing that I’m still working on but I’m trying to be more grateful.
6) Taking Pat’s spirit and adding it your day to day
Pat was a very kind person. He wasn’t a person in any cliques. He could fit in anywhere and he loved everyone.
I think Pat’s grace — his smile and happiness in the way he interacted with people is something I’ve added in my interactions with people.
I hope this helps.
I think the main thing about loss and grief is there’s no expediting the process. You have to go through what you need to go through.
You’re a human being.
Where I am today, I needed the 3 years. I couldn’t have been where I am in Year 1 or Year 2, and I wouldn’t want to.
Processing takes time.
I think just remember to separate the illness from the person and remember they want you to be joyful.
I think whatever impact/action you can make/take in combating mental health is a way to keep their spirit alive.