If you’re having trouble letting go of something in the past, read this

Not letting go of the past/thinking too much of the past is something I think we all tend to do from time to time.

Obviously, this is a broad topic and can encompass a lot of situations. The thinking I had when writing this article was the past situation was something like a falling out of a friendship, a breakup, a mistake (like cheating on someone or doing poorly in a class), things like that.

1. Review the event/situation objectively as if you’re a detective recounting all the events (i.e. review your actions, review the other party’s actions if there’s another party involved, look at it from a 3rd party. unemotional lens).

I think the past lingers for a lot of people — because they don’t actually process it. They don’t talk it, they don’t talk through what their feelings on the situation are, and thus the brain/mind continue to deal with them, because they haven’t been addressed.

For me, I would do this review by writing all the elements and then I would speak this out loud either to yourself, a trusted best friend or to a therapist.

After recounting the events/situation, talk about what bothers you, what you’re most worried about with regards to the situation, what you regret or what still lingers in your mind.

Really define this part well. Sometimes, the situation itself really isn’t what’s lingering. It’s the after effects and what we perceive those are.

For example, say you have regrets on a breakup.

Then, as you reflect objectively, you write, honestly though — that person wasn’t the right fit for me. What’s bothering me is I regret yelling while we arguing because I felt like I hurt the person and he/she doesn’t deserve to be hurt like that. I could’ve handled myself better in that moment.

Being clear on that aspect is so important. Here, you see, the breakup isn’t what the person is held up on (i.e. the breakup was probably the right decision). It’s the regret of the way he/she handled the breakup that’s lingering.

2. Write down/speak about what you control

Are you able to change to create any change to the situation?

For example, if you got a bad grade in a class 4 years, you can’t change that because it’s already happened. That part of your life is over.

What you can control — is maybe going back to school or re-taking that class somehow if that’s possible? But the bad grade is the bad grade. That’s not changing.

If it’s a personal situation with someone else involved, are you able to communicate with the person?

If the other party has made it clear, they don’t want you to communicate with them, then respect their desire/wishes and don’t.

If you are able to communicate, think about the best way to approach the situation.

What’s the best way to reach out? Text, phone call? Where’s the best place to meet? If it’s going to be an emotional conversation with possible shouting, then a public dinner may not be the best place, a private apartment may be better.

3. Create Perspective

Understand ups and downs are a part of life.

Understand making mistakes is a part of growth.

You’re human. No human is perfect.

4. Forgive yourself

Forgive yourself for the actions you made at that time. Understand you were doing the best you could given all that was going on in your life.

This doesn’t mean you condone your actions.

For example, if you cheated on someone, forgiving yourself doesn’t mean you think that cheating is okay.

Forgiving yourself simply means you understand you made a mistake in that time period in your life and that you’re human.

5. Forgive them

Forgive the other person. This can be tough, especially in situations where you were extremely violated — like sexual or physical assault or rape.

Again, forgiveness doesn’t mean you condone their actions.

All forgiveness is you’re saying I’m not going to let what this person did to me affect me in a negative way or affect my energy from here on out.

When we don’t forgive, when we hold onto anger, we let the other person win because they’re in our mind, they’re controlling some aspect of our brain, and that energy is creating negative energy for us.

This is one of the hardest things to do — have compassion for them if possible. I think in physical/sexual assaults or rapes, obviously, I don’t encourage this. But if it’s something less harmful, like handling an argument poorly, this may be possible.

For example, if they hurt you with their words, realize hurt people hurt people. Happy people don’t hurt others. Again, this is not giving them a pass for what they did, but it’s understanding that they might’ve had a lot going on in their life.

6. Write down what you learned from it and how you will act in the future

I think it’s so important to be accountable in life. We’re all so quick to blame others, but we have a part to play.

What did you do wrong? How should you change your behavior from this point on?

Has your behavior changed?

If you handled an argument poorly in the past, how are you handling arguments now?

The best way to show that you’ve learned from the event/situation is through the way you’re living.