I wonder

I wonder

I wonder what was going on his head

Was it just a really bad night or had he been overwhelmed with something for a while?

I wonder how long he had been fighting.

I wonder how long he had been publicly smiling but privately struggling.

I wonder if he had gotten this close before or was this his first time?

I wish he hadn’t fought alone.

I know where he’s been so I can’t blame him though.

It’s not about other people. It’s not about whether they love you or not.

It’s about you.

The overwhelming feeling of can I continue to fight this anxiety and these voices?

Is life worth it when I’m continually up at 2:45 AM questioning my purpose and whether I can see the good?

When exactly will the good times come? When is the happiness part of life going to come?

Is it actually just a hamster wheel?

And each day most people are doing a good job convincing themselves it’s not?

Even knowing that, I wish he could’ve came to me.

I wish he could’ve called me.

But I know he didn’t want to burden others.

He would feel too guilty.

So he did what could. He fought as long as he could. And for that, I’m proud.

I just wished we lived in a different time.

Where opening up about your struggles and seeking help

were seen as strength instead of weakness.

Hopefully we get there some day.

I love you Pat.

I love you Trevor.

I miss y’all.

⁃ Arnav Roy (@aroy81547 on Instagram)