The other day I was talking to a friend and we were talking about his mental health. And he admitted a lot of his mental health not being great came from his own self. He was his biggest critic and he was hard on himself — he didn’t acknowledge the good he was doing, he didn’t acknowledge his good qualities as a human being, and he mostly focused on the negatives, his anxiety and stress.
He asked me, I know you preach self-love being the #1 priority, but how do I implement being better at self-love?
This is a great question.
1) Understand it’s hard and it goes against scientifically how your brain works
Your brain evolutionarily is wired to think more about danger and negative outcomes as a protective measure.
Obviously, back in the day, this skill was a lot more useful when you were roaming around in the same fields as predatory animals and so you had to be vigilant of not being eaten.
Though, most of us, don’t need to worry in our day to day about being eaten by animal when we walk around, the brain still functions in negative preparatory thinking in order to be prepared for any situation.
So, with that context, understand, your brain, when evaluating things, is mostly going to be in the mode of what went wrong, how could we do better, etc and reviewing all the negatives as a means to try and be better the next time a similar situation arises.
Understand thoughts can change. If you can think negatively about yourself, you can also think positively. You just have to change the thought.
2) How do I implement this?
The question my friend is asking is how do I implement this? I know self-love is good for me, I just don’t know how to implement.
Knowing all this means, you need to mentally be self-conscious about this fact and challenge your brain
You need to intentionally focus certain periods of time to think about gratefulness, positivity and what’s going well.
Some examples could include: waking up in the morning and saying 1 thing you’re grateful for and then at the end of the day, saying 1 thing you’re proud of yourself for from the day and 1 thing again you’re grateful for.
And the thing is — it can be simple. Working professionals always come to me and say my days are very similar. How do I see gratefulness at the end of a work day?
It can be as simple as — I’m proud of myself for getting 8 hours of sleep (if you tend not to sleep enough) or I’m proud of myself for letting myself relax and watch 1 hour of Netflix (if you’re a workaholic) or I’m proud of myself for exercising today (if you’re having trouble with a consistent exercise routine).
I think doing the proud routine is critical. Most people are their biggest critic. Rather than saying that, I want people to start saying I’m my biggest supporter.
In terms of gratefulness, it can be simple again. I’m grateful there wasn’t a lot of traffic going into work today. I’m grateful for catching up with a friend for an hour.
3) Define what a good day is
For me, a good day, I’ve taken really simple is — a day where nothing bad happens to my family or friends, I work hard in my job, I exercise, I try to do something for Grateful Living, and I try to relax.
It’s simple, but if I have those elements, I can say it’s been a good day.
4) What do I do if I’m struggling with being my biggest supporter?
Understand it takes time and practice. It’s not like I say I’m gonna be my biggest supporter today and suddenly I will.
It will take time and practice.
A practice I like to do is looking in the mirror and saying I love you because it forces me to see myself and say I love you. Practice that for 6 months and see where you’ll be.
You also have to make it a priority. Loving yourself has to be a priority and a part of your purpose.
When I made it a part of my purpose, it will show through your actions.
I sometimes say no to social commitments because I need rest. I sometimes leave parties at midnight even though they might go to 2 because I’m tired.
The reason I do these things is because I love myself and I am prioritizing myself first.
Prioritizing yourself is not selfish, it’s the right thing to do. I realized the better I was, the better I could show up for others.
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I used to have what I would describe as chronic suicidal thought. 2019, I was decently close to committing suicide. Let’s say in 2019 I thought about suicide 200 times a year.
Today, 3 years later, maybe I think about suicide 12 times a year and it’s just a thought, not any actions towards actually acting.
The key to that transformation is I worked on my relationship with myself.
In the end, creating a better relationship with yourself is about prioritizing loving yourself, practicing that, and over-time seeing your growth.